When took the little biscuit out today to a coffee shop, (my excuse being we are out of coffee beans at home, the real reason being I needed to get OUT) I came across the grave of sexy. Let me extrapolate. While I was enjoying my cup of coffee and reading the paper (the biscuit slept in his car seat. I think he is trying to make it up to me for screaming for 45 minutes straight yesterday after getting his first round of vaccinations. There are 4 more rounds? Awesome, cause it wasn't hell on earth for four hours yesterday or anything. Poor little biscuit. And yes, I cried. Again.) a couple in their mid-fifties came and sat near me. Well, I noticed them the minute they walked into the coffee shop because I could hear the wife. The woman talked from the time they got into the door, while they were ordering coffee, while they were waiting for coffee, after they got the coffee and sat down, and kept going while they walked out the door. She never shut up. And her husband said maybe 20 words. She had super short hair and was dressed in casual clothes, no make up, no jewelry, and the ugliest shoes I have ever seen. Now, from the conversation she was having and the way her husband was dressed (polo shirt, nice khakis, nice watch, average shoes), it was obvious she wasn't an earth mother or a laid back individual--or unemployed, I heard her talking about her job (in fact, she may have covered every topic known to man in the 35 minutes I heard her). They were both relatively attractive people. She had just stopped trying (I'm sure he had as well, but at least he had on an 'outfit'). And I know, after 20 plus years, bringing the sexy is a little low on the priorities list. Maybe its not even about priorities, maybe its about interest--I get it, how interesting can the same old dick and saggy balls be after so many years? But I found it a bit sad. They both seemed in good health (she definitely wasn't getting winded) and in good shape. You might be saying, "Kate, not everything is about sexy good looks and a hot body" and I completely agree. The way I knew that the sexy had died was not about how she looked, though that is a good indicator, it was the lack of intimacy that was so obvious between them. Though she was talking, he was not listening. And though she seemed like she was talking to him, it was plain that she couldn't care less about whether or not he found her interesting and more importantly, that she wasn't concerned about engaging him. There was no give and take. And when you have no interest in involving the other person, you definitely aren't passionate about them. I'm sure they love each other very much (seriously, you'd have to really love someone to stick around through that unending barrage of utterly mundane topics). But sexy had died many years ago, and they were sitting there as a living gravestone marking the burial place.
So what does this have to do with my blog? Its because of the dialogue I've been having with a few people about it, mainly them trying to make me feel better about not looking a certain way. Trust me, writing a blog aside, I am not that worked up about being chubby. I don't like it for sure, but it is not ruling my life/thoughts. What the experience of pregnancy and new mommydom has got me worried about is the sexy. I will NOT end up in mom jeans and an asexual hair cut. Norm and I had our son at home with midwives (fantastic experience btw) and the midwives are big on letting your husband be the one coaching and encouraging you, they believe it is a very intimate experience for you as a couple and they are there to help facilitate a good, safe environment for that, not to be the ones in control. So Norm "caught" the baby, and I'm sure that was an awe inspiring, loving moment for him. What it was not was sexy. There is nothing sexy about watching your child's head emerge from your wife's vag. Norm, in his sweet nature, has delicately said he has a new "appreciation" for that area of my body and "won't soon forget it". So what we have here is a situation for Justin Timberlake.
Watching that couple today made me realize a few things: 1) I don't ever what to just let the sexy lapse until it dies 2) Sexiness, especially in a couple, has to do with the desire for the other person in all aspects, not just the physical 3) It is a state of mind more than artifice. Dressing skanky is not sexy (many a young woman gets confused about this. The sexiest girl in a bar could be in sweat pants if she is happy and confident) and 4) I'm glad I was married when I had the baby and so have no doubt that the man will stick around through this unsexy phase. (I am not crashing on single moms, nothing wrong with that, I know of kids that grew up happy and complete in single parent households. I know kids who grew up in two parent households that could say the opposite) and lastly 5) Sexy has been important to me in the past and I want it to be important in the future. I don't ever want to stop trying, for Norm's sake and for my own. If you are a woman and have never fully realized your sexy potential, you have never owned your sexiness, you don't know what you are missing. Its not just about men (or women) having sexual cravings for you. It is the feeling of potency and power you have as a woman, a confidence in yourself that is unique to that state, and it is quite enjoyable. Kids are happy and complete when their parents are happy and complete. And feeling sexy is part of what makes me complete. Especially sexy shoes.
One thing Matt and I have considered lately (thanks to my friend Jamelle for suggesting) is "home dates." We are bound to our house a lot from 7-10PM but our kids go to bed at 7:30, so we try to do something together like an activity i.e.: cooking/baking, a board game, glasses of wine together on the couch, inviting other couples without kids to come over, listening to music together, drawing, watching movies together (although you have to snuggle for this one), etc. The obvious is also an option but working on "rekindling" those feelings you had when you started dating is hard to do if you don't interact. It's been really fun. Just make it special.
ReplyDeleteYou are funny. Seriously, I just laughed out loud. Your blog was recommended to me by an old grade school /high school friend, Morgan Cox. And being a new mom and spending several of my waking hours breastfeeding, I have all the time in the world to peruse the Internet. Which means I just started reading your posts, from the beginning. But this one jumped out at me - I'm afraid I may have killed sexy long before my husband watched my baby's tiny head emerge from my cooch. I don't yet have a Dorothy Hamill haircut, but I am hard-pressed to put on "real" clothes when I'm anywhere close to my own home. I fear I'm just days away from throwing in the towel, for reals, and shouting "You promised to love me FOREVER!!!" when I put on the same breastmilk-stained tank top and too-tight maternity stretchy pants for the 4th day in a row. Then again, my husband perpetually wears sweats and flannels, and we spend half of our dinner conversations talking about shit. As in, baby shit - color, amount, consistency, etc. So maybe we're just two peas in a pod and this is what our "sexy" looks like? Then again, we are only 30, both well-educated, formerly popular kids, and consumers of popular media, so we know the standards should be much, much higher. Anyhow, thanks for the food for thought. I like to think how JT might approach this situation. But I'm only four weeks out from the trauma that was childbirth, so I don't have to worry about the real "sexy" part for another two weeks.
ReplyDeleteAh the Dorothy Hamill. Much like the Pat Benatar, it screwed over a lot of those who tried to mimic it. Don't feel bad at a month out! Most moms I have talked to said it took them close to a year to look normal again. My sister said that even though she was back in her old clothes by 8 months post, they didn't fit right. Everything was soft I guess. And I don't know about you but since I've turned 30, I just don't give a fuck about impressing other people anymore and I have gone out in ratty sweat pants and crocs. It helps to bring the baby, then every mother gives you a knowing look and little head nod. Glad this blog is entertaining you.
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