Bringing Sexy back: attempt #1

At my 6 week follow up exam with the midwives they barraged me with questions.  A good thing but also a little funny once we got to the section about re-igniting Norm and I's love life.  The conversation went a little like this (no topic is weird with these women anymore--after a year of visits and them participating in my delivery, there is nothing to hide):

Midwife: Have you and Norm started having sex again?
Me: No....can we? (I'm pretty sure I read/was told we couldn't have a go at it till 6 weeks)
Midwife: Yes you definitely can if you feel ready for it (they are so concerned about momma's well being).
Me: I don't exactly feel up for it right now, I don't seem to have any libido.
Midwife:  Yeah, a lot of that has to do with the hormones associated with breastfeeding, or lack of certain hormones.  It will come back, but it could take some time.
Me: I'm also so tired--Norm is too I think.  Sleep just sounds better than sex.  Plus I'm not feeling super sexy just yet.
Midwife:  That's ok, it often takes couples a while to get back to being intimate.  Do you and Norm talk about it?
Me: If by talk about it you mean when I fart in bed and turn to him and ask "So, wanna do it?"...then yes.
Midwife: [laughs]Well, have you discussed whether or not you'd like to try and have another child? (can I just say that EVERYONE asks you this question like 3 seconds after you had the first one.  And after having a natural birth and not sleeping my inclination is to break out in a chorus of " hell to the no".  I understand why she is asking me though)
Me: Yeah, we decided we aren't going to try until after Rory is a year old--probably after 14 months.
Midwife: So what kind of birth control are you planning on using?
Me: Er...I hate being on the pill, it makes me sort of crazy and depressed, so I think we will just start using condoms again.
Midwife: Ok, that sounds goo--
Me: [cutting her off] Actually...I'm lying. Norm and I have been using the pull and pray method since after our first year of dating. (I figured I should be truthful--knowing myself, I would go out and buy a bunch of condoms that would never get used because I would need to keep up the lie to my midwives)
Midwife: I know I shouldn't say this, but after learning so much about fertility, if you are in a committed relationship that can handle any "mistakes", its really not such a bad method.
Other Midwife:  Yes, but you should know that you can get pregnant while breastfeeding even if you haven't starting menstruating yet. (I know this because my wonderful sister had both her kids by accident.  I can understand--sort of--having the first one by accident.  I mean, she's married and they have pretty stable incomes.  But the second one? Good lord I wanted to smack her upside the head when she said "I don't know how it happened! I was still breastfeeding and it was only one time!"  What are you, sixteen? Penis in vagina with no barrier equals chance of baby.  Pretty simple AND since she went to the same midwives, I now know they had this talk with her.  But I guess Fertile Myrtle skipped health in 8th grade.  Her kids are 20 months apart.  At first it was hard.  Now that they are 2 and 4 and its awesome)
Midwife 1: There are some things you should know about the first time you try and have sex postpartum.
Me: Things aren't going to fit the same way?
Midwife 1: Not necessarily.  But yeah, it will feel different for him.
Me: Hot dog down a hall way?
Midwife 2: [laughs] No, not after your first one (oh great).  We suggest you use a good lube and take it slow.
Me: Oh. [long pause] Its gonna hurt?
Midwife 1:  It might be rather uncomfortable.  Honestly, since your husband isn't here, I'll just tell you what we tell a lot of women:  you just gotta get through the first few times.  Husbands don't like to hear that. (mine definitely wouldn't.  Norm is all about me achieving an orgasm.  I think he takes pride it in--or feels bad if I don't.  For a guy who wasn't raised Catholic...)
Me: Alllright.  Well now I REALLY want to have sex. (during the last month of my pregnancy Norm and I had sex almost every night to try and induce labor.  Let me tell you, romance was in the air.  A typical night of foreplay went like this: Norm "We should probably have sex." Me "ugh, fine.")

About twenty minutes later they gave me my first postpartum pap smear.  It was about 200x more uncomfortable than usual (let me add that I didn't have any tares during labor so I can't imagine how much worse that would be).  Definitely made me think twice about anything else going up there if you know what I mean.

Flash forward to this past weekend.  Norm and I were both home during the day, both pretty well rested, and the baby had just gone down to nap.
Me: I'm gonna take a shower.
Norm: Oh, I need to take one too. (our water heater can only do one hot shower every 3 hours, so he was looking at a waiting period) Maybe we can take one together [eye brow wiggle]
Me: [laughing] I don't really get clean when we shower together.
Norm: [dejected] Alright.
Me: You know what, ok.
Norm: Sweet.
Me: I have to go to the bathroom first.
Norm: That's hot.
Me: Shut up.

So we take a shower together and keep that naked momentum flowing into the bedroom.  I had told Norm about what the midwives said earlier ("Just get through it? That makes me feel great.") and so he was making sure to take his time and had some lube at hand.  The moment (of insertion) finally came and it reminded me of an injury "I'm ok" "how's the pressure?" "its good, just give me a second."  You know, really sexy and hot.  I was using my breathing, my eyes closed, trying to relax and enjoy it.  And then I opened my eyes and there, ten inches from my head, was our kitty.  Sitting up, head tilted to the side, staring at me.  When she saw me looking at her, she reached out and touched my face with her paw.  I stifled a laugh and said to Norm "whatever you do, don't look at the cat".  "Too late" he said, and we both chuckled and tried to refocus.  So after it was over, (Norm eventually understood that waiting for me was futile) I asked him if the cat was really bothering him sitting there.  He said that she didn't just sit there, she walked over my head a few times, played with the bottle of lube, and sat next to him pawing his side, not sure if this was a game or if daddy was hurting mommy.  That definitely goes to show you, dudes will withstand a lot to have sex.  I asked him if it felt different, less tight or whatever, and he said it felt softer.  Well, softer is a better adjective than enormous I guess.

So the first attempt is past and it wasn't so bad.  Wasn't toe curling good but at least I got through it, right?  Sigh....